2012
The coming year is going to be my best one yet! For
the past four years I’ve been walking the halls of Concordia University College
of Alberta, learning about the basics of psychology, lightly touching on the principles
of sociology, and, not by choice, battling through a few religion classes. This
year I finally walk across the stage. Those strides into the future will see me
as the second member of my family with a formal education. The first being my
naani (Haida: grandmother) who has her Masters in Education. I’d love to say
that I’m an academic superstar and I’ve mastered all my classes. Especially
when I hear at the end of a semester all my peeps on facebook announcing their
4.0 GPA and all their A’s. Alas, I get the odd A, mostly B’s, and a few C’s. I’ve
come to university to learn my ABC’s! After my 2nd year I welcomed
my baby into this world with tears of joy, wanting to provide the best for my
family I considered withdrawing from my studies for a year and work and in
consulting with my uncle he advised that I don’t lose my momentum. I’d like to
think that he was right; after all, I dropped out of high school and that wasn’t
a wise move. I look back and I see that my GPA would have been higher had I
taken that year off. Say la vee (K-Jo :P) Though it may sound like I regret my
choice, I don’t. I’ll be graduating from fricken university! THAT IS A BIG
DEAL:
There is only so many ways I can tell my story, the
short version is I ended up addicted to Crystal Meth (capitalized out of
respect for the drug), which led me to be homeless and 144lbs, as my uncle so eloquently
put it: I was cock and ribs. My arrival in Edmonton is when I was at my worst,
having slept under a bridge, in stairwells, and on the beach, my uncle’s couch
was a welcome change. I came to Edmonton to escape the lifestyle but I
unknowingly brought it with me and ended up homeless here in Edmonton as well.
Luckily for me I missed the winter. 6 years ago I changed my life enough to
stay away from drugs all together and get my life back on track. I went back to
high school, got my high school diploma, and enrolled in University. This phase
of my life is over and I am currently in a transitional phase. Looking forward
I have high hopes for myself. Master’s degree? You bet! Doctorate degree? I’m
pretty sure that’s in the crosshairs as well. Dr. Damian Abrahams sure does
have a good ring to it! So what’s helped me the most to make and maintain the
change?
Culture
The Cree culture has been the hub of my spiritual
life. When I arrived in Edmonton the first thing I did was attend a Sundance.
The basis of the Sundance is healing. The dancers sacrifice their body for the
healing of themselves, their community, or a family member. My first time
dancing was the next year and it was for the healing of my own spirit. My first
night dancing I had a dream: It was a battle field filled with infantry on one
side and cavalry on the other. Their standoff lasted a while before they
charged each other. The battle ensued and I noticed that up to now I couldn’t
see their faces. After the battle, all but a few of the cavalry and infantry
were left and bodies were everywhere. It was a bloody battle that left the
cavalry the victors. As I surveyed the dead, all their faces appeared and they
all had my face. I woke up and
evaluated what I had just dreamed. I concluded that it wasn’t Crystal Meth or
Alcohol that I was fighting, it was myself and up to then I’d always lost. I
soon realized that if I wanted to win I had to stop fighting and I could only
stop fighting with the help of the people around me and most of all sa’laana
(Haida: Chief of all Chiefs up above). Between my first Sundance and my second
I relapsed and I felt so bad. I had failed the Sundance, all the people that
helped set it up, and the Elders who were dedicated to the Sundance. My failure
was what motivated me the most, I never wanted to fail that way again, and I
didn’t. My third and fourth dances were the best ever; completion of my
Sundance dedication saw my connection with sa’laana stronger than ever.
Intertwined with Sundance I would attend as many Sweats, Rounddances, Feasts,and
Pipe ceremonies as I could. My roots in the Aboriginal culture grew strong and
deep; strong enough to withstand any storm, deep enough to stay grounded in
times of success. What does Culture (note the capitalization again) mean to me?
It means life, gratitude, peace, love, family…. That ellipsis can continue on
forever.
Family
On 10 July 2009 my life changed. My daughter took
her first breathe and I was hooked. Nothing else mattered but that moment, and
nothing could ever top it either. Maybe
watching her cross the stage for her post-secondary grad could top, I’ll let
you know. I’ll have you know that I was raw when she came into the world. I’d
never changed a single diaper, never been barfed on (by anyone but me), peed
on, or pooped on. I never calmed a crying baby, fed a hungry baby, or had a
baby fall asleep on my chest. I was as new to parenting as Khaila was new to
this world. That is a partial lie, I had, at that point, an 11 year old in my
life but I was just coming into my own as a parent with Kiraleah and had not yet
been a full parent to her at that point.
Confessions
A part of my past includes two previous pregnancies…and
two abortions. Both of them were my choice. My only conclusion is that I wasn’t
ready to be a father but I didn’t want my children to have no father in their
life. I remember being in the waiting room of the clinic and imagining all the
babies sitting on the ledge that wrapped around the room looking down on me, I remember
how the world just kept on going after the procedure and how shitty I felt. I
kept picturing my baby, safe and warm, suddenly being ripped out. Having the
abortions done, in retrospect, was the worst things I’ve ever done in my whole
and I don’t encourage it at all. Life is too precious just to discard like that. End of confession.
When Kathy-Jo came out of the medicenter I knew she
was pregnant when she told Kiraleah to let us talk in private and I told myself
I can’t repeat my past mistakes, that this is going to my baby. “No more
fucking abortions” was exactly what I thought. And with that thought Kathy told
me she was pregnant and I was happy. Truly happy. Being a parent is such an
adventure and it comes in phases. I mastered the infant and baby phase, all it consisted
of was changing a diaper several times a day, burping her, snuggling her and
making her laugh. The pre-toddler phase was fun, she was aware so we had to
fill her world with close contact and stimulating colors and textures. We
played peek-a-boo with her to teach her that things exist even though she can’t
see them and gave her things to mash to develop her gross motor skills. I sung
to her and drummed. Every night I sung the lullaby song to her. The toddler
phase is a challenge. She’s acquiring language, developing her fine motor
skills, learning social rules, learning to use the potty, and discovering
things she can and can’t do.
Language acquisition
We speak normally to her, no baby talk involved.
Adults don’t speak baby. When she struggles with a phrase we break it up for
her: “ti” ger” and then combine them for her: “tiger”. At the same time she
uses her own little language to which we have to guess what she’s referring to.
Most times we ask her to show us what she’s talking about and then we give her
the correct definitions. My game with the alphabet is to make the sound of a
letter three times and do that with each letter: “ah ah ah” or “eh eh eh”. I also
help her tongue make the different shapes needed to make the sounds “boo boo
boo” “bee bee bee” “oh oh oh” “oo oo oo” “juh juh juh” “gee gee gee” “ho ho ho”
“hee hee hee” and, of course, good old reading to her, but instead of using my
finger to follow the word I use hers.
Fine Motor Skills
Going from pre-toddler to toddler see her going from
general mashing things being fine-tuned to actual precision. The great thing
about this developmental phase is that there are many toys to help with fine
motor skills. Allowing her to feed herself, push elevator buttons, turning on
the light, zip zippers, put the strap of my belt though the holster, and
drawing are all tools we use for her fine motor skill development. She also
counts to 11, sometimes 13, and we’ve been encouraging her to count on her
fingers.
Social Skills
Interacting with other little people is vital to
babies and toddlers. We started by having friends over with their kids. When it
was time for Kathy to go back to work we put her in a day home. She could learn
to interact with just a few kids during the day, something she could handle. In
December of last year we pulled out of the day home and placed her in a day
care, partially due to a poorly worded status update, to get her ready for a
school setting. She also picks up on the concept of an extended family with my
uncle and his kids, and Kathy’s sister, and Lisa and her kids. She monitors me
when I interact with my friends (her strangers) and is fiercely protective of
property (hers, and ours) and those are teachable moments, and also protective
of family (sometimes she won’t like a person and she’ll say: “no! MY papa” and
swat at the person to indicate to stay away from me), more teachable moments.
Potty Training
It’s every parent’s dream to free up some cash and
stop buying diapers and wipes. This leads them to push their children to potty
train earlier than when their child is ready to. We did not do this. We didn’t
push her or make her be uncomfortable to potty train. We waited for her to be
ready to use the toilet. She’s been doing so good at it now, she’s only had a
couple accidents! On accidents, that’s all they are. Do not make a big deal out
of it, do not scold your child for missing the toilet or not making it to the
toilet. Bringing shame to peeing and pooping will cause your child to regress
back to diapers and not make it a pleasant thing for her and she’ll put it off
as long as she can. We also normalize pooping and peeing, mostly pooping
though. We go through all the people in her life and say the poop: “papa poops”
“mommy poops” “sister poops” “gaagi poops”. So if you’re in her life, chances
are you’ve been included in the list!
Independence
Khaila is discovering what she can and can’t do. “Khaila
do it” is her mantra right now and we go ahead and let her try. Doing this allows
her to master parts of her world and mastery leads to confidence and
self-efficacy.
I have to go to class now…
