My mom

I love my mother. To be entirely truthful, she hasn't been the best parent and hasn't taught me the lessons needed for my life today. I still love her though. My mom and I were introduced by a doctor in the Grace Hospital in Vancouver BC almost 30 years ago. My mom brought us up to Haida Gwaii where we lived for quite a while. I was introduced to my naani and her naani. My naani Leila and tsiini Matt became my best friends. It isn't clear as to why I ended up living with Lily and Freeman Bell, to me at least, but it was the start of many foster moms.

Please forgive me, as this early time in my life is very vague and I am positive that I am confabulating some of this story!

The only real memory I have of living with Lily and Freeman are of Freeman drying his back after a shower and telling me not to fiddle. I thought he was talking about a fiddle, the kind to play! Memories are but whispers of this time of my life, but I do remember all the jelly fish in the water off the government docks. Millions of them just appeared out of nowhere. I remember trying my hardest to chop down the pole that was in naani's front yard, the pole is still there by the way; I went and checked when I went back to Haida Gwaii for my naani's funeral. I remember playing by the tree line at the end of McBride, always too afraid to go into the forest because that's where naani kooka, gaghiit, and the kuugana live. My mind flashes to Vancouver again, my mom and I are living above Guys and Dolls, a pool hall where my mom would go and do mom stuff. Drink I imagine. My mom tells me that one day my real dad, who I've never met even to this day, was in the pool hall and asked if I wanted to come meet him. I didn't want to because of all the nasty things my mom told me about him. I kind of regret not meeting him when I had the chance.

My mind flashes again to looking for my cat, the one I stole from a boy at the park. I loved that cat. We were "looking" all over for my cat because we had to give it away to Carol McNeil, my mom's friend in Maple Ridge. We were "looking" because I knew all along where my cat was, he was sleeping behind the bathtub. I remember the time when I was on my way to school at Florence Nightingale Elementary and I discovered a secret entrance to the candy bins at the grocery store. I was able to steal handfuls of caramel cubes with nobody knowing. My operation was foiled one day by the manager who told me they had a camera on me the whole time. Again, my brain told me that it was my mom's boy friend who had the camera and from that day on I figured that Perry had an x-ray camera and could see me where ever I went. I vaguely remember living with my aunty Norma in an apartment building somewhere in Vancouver. I don't remember how old I was or how long I was with her, I do recall a little teddy bear, a pink or yellow one...

From Vancouver my mom and I, more my mom, obliged Perry and we were off to Ontario to be with his family. We arrived, I believe, on time for Christmas. Christmas was awesome that year because I got the biggest gift there. I don't even know where there was, but it was with Perry's family. I got a GT. Props if you remember those! I'm pretty sure Perry's mom's name is/was Carol. And I am 100% positive that his father's name is/was Ron. In my mind my mom abandoned me when I needed her the most, she wasn't there to protect me when Ron interrupted my Scooby Doo show to abuse me sexually. Ron Marsden is his name, he took my innocence from me and my mom wasn't there to stop him. Ron kept this up for a long time before anyone knew about it. It turns out that Perry was beating my mom up, one night I stayed up listening to him hit her, and her screaming. There wasn't anything I could do, I was too small. It was that night that I told myself that I would protect my mom when I could. We had always pretended to be happy, my mom would make me cheese and mayonnaise sandwiches for school and as I was driving away on the school bus she'd be waving over the curtain in the kitchen. That actually made me feel special, none of the other kid's moms waved at them.

One night my mom came into my room and pointed at a house fire some distance away. She said it would be cool to go see it up close so we left, but she told me not to put any clothes on, that we had to just leave. By this time my brother Bryan had been born, so the three of us went out into the cold barely dressed to go see this house fire up close. My mom was escaping actually, she was protecting us from Perry. She talked to a police officer who set us up in a transition home until my mom could make arrangements to get back to BC. It took a whole week to get back to BC and I don't remember a single thing about the trip, only that my mom got out at the border of BC and Alberta to literally kiss the ground.

My mind is all jumbled up right now, we went to live with Carol, the one who I gave my cat to, we lived in Mission where Perry and my mom got back together. Also where my other baby brother Perry Jr. was born. My naani Leila came out to live with us for a while. I also lived with my aunty Norma in New Westminster for a while too. Somewhere in there I lived in more foster homes about an hour out of Mission with Ray and Debbie who were hardline, bible thumpin Christians. Ray and Debbie are responsible for me not liking organized religion today! They are also responsible for me not liking myself to the extent that I loathed myself. They were not good foster parents at all.

Now, my mind just jumped to time in my life that my mom denies ever happened. I cannot remember what I did or said, but my mom disowned me. "Fuck off! And don't ever talk to me again!" So I fucked off, and never talked to her again. I'm not even sure how long her and I didn't talk to or about one another. I do remember when we started talking again though. I was in Haida Gwaii, visiting my naani and aunty. I was at Norma's place digging in the crisper when suddenly the front door opened and in walked my mom. My heart dropped into my feet and I stopped breathing and my whole body just froze. I didn't know what to do, and even if I did know what to do, I wasn't physically capable of it. I'm pretty sure my mom reacted the same way when I finally found the strength to stand up and turn around to face her. We didn't talk right away. She ignored me so I knew that she still didn't want to talk. She told Norma that she brought Crabs for supper, I looooooove crab so I was disappointed that I wasn't getting any because that's how my mom is, when you piss her off, you don't get ANYTHING from her, not even a crumb. So I left. When I came back I was super starving and was digging around again for something to eat, I dare not touch the left over crab. My mom came down from upstairs and was standing behind me. "I saved some crab for you" was all she said. I twirled around and gave her the biggest hug and we've been talking ever since!

I've flashed forward to Fraser street, Dennis, Flo, and her son who got me in trouble so many times setting his stupid fires. It's where my mom gave me my first toke of a joint, and it's where she left me so many times to go drinking. I would sit in the front  room and just stare down the street waiting for her. I don't even know how many times she left me alone. One night she surprised me by bringing home chicken from Church's Chicken. SHE DOES CARE ABOUT ME! SHE BROUGHT HOME FOOD! It took only one time bringing home food to renew my love for my mom, never mind the days on end that I starved while she was out drinking. That place on Fraser was the last time I ever lived with my mom.

From there I moved in with my gaagi Frank who lived in Victoria, and from Frank's I moved into my last foster home when he decided to move back to Haida Gwaii. And from my last foster home I moved out on my own, which I failed at, but that's a whole other story :)

Yes, my mom failed as a parent, she failed to protect me when I was getting sexually abused, she failed to nurture me, cloth me, and make me feel safe. But she did the best that she could with what she had. I'm sure if she knew what Ron was doing to me, she'd stop it, if she knew how to nurture and console a child, she would have. If my mom knew how to express her feelings, she would have. We have residential school to thank for all of that parental breakdown. I love my mom, without her, I wouldn't be here to tell you all about her.