I did a lot of work on myself over the last 5 years or so. The only way I can effectively say it is it's like I went through a storm and my boat got really messed up. The only way that I was able to successfully fix my boat was to go back through the storm again. The past had to be re-visited and in my mind I had to be there again and instead of running away from them, I was forced to go see it through to the end.
My emotional issues, feeling shitty about myself, learning not to cry when I'm sad or laugh when I'm happy (Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about; what do you have to be happy about?) was pretty hard to unlearn. The hardest part was to identify my emotions. Knowing what parts of my body did what during different emotions helped. When I'm angry my ears get warm and my chest flutters and then get tight. My brain tickles and I feel like exploding with laughter when I'm really happy.
My mentality was quite possibly the hardest aspect to work on. I believed I was worthless, that I was a stupid little indian, and that I wouldn't amount to anything. There was no hope for me. But it was all a matter of perspective, I chose to look at all the negative rather than all the good stuff. I failed to see the forest through all the trees. It wasn't any one thing that helped me through these issues, one exercise that helped was this guy held up a $50 dollar bill and asked who wanted it, all of us of course! He then crumpled it up and asked again, we all still wanted it. He threw it on the ground and stomped on it. We still wanted it. Then he tore it in half and asked if we still wanted it. Yes we did. He then listed all the stuff he did to the $50 dollar bill and asked why we still wanted it even though he "dragged it through hell." We said that it's still $50 and we could repair it. Exactly, he says, it still has value, just like all of you. No matter what is done to you, you still are human, and you still have value.
My sexual issues were address simply by taking back the power my abuser had over me. When he took my innocence so many years ago, he held a power over me. He used fear to keep it. I wrote a letter to him, a letter which was very hard to write. In it I said his name, I told him that enough is enough, you have no power over me and it was time for me to move on. In addition to that letter I did some inner child work. My counsellor had us picture in our minds a photo of us as a child. I pictured one of when I was about 2-3 years old. I was on the back of a couch with my head turned to the left. My great-grandfather was sitting on the couch in front of me. We were asked to animate that picture, so in my mind, the little boy in the picture turned his head and looked at me and jumped down onto the floor. He came running up to me and gave me a big hug. I told him that "everything is okay now, I'll take care of you now."The main symptom of physical abuse is powerlessness. Never being able to be good enough. I remember some of the dreams I had back then were when I had to run for some reason and I was never able to run fast enough. Simply being able to make my own decisions and live with the consequences and to take leadership positions empowered me, it gave me a voice which I use today.
Financial abuse...that one is on going. Not having enough money, or being forces to spend the money I did have, or having the money I did have be controlled by someone else, foster parents etc..., it was hard to understand money for what it is. So when I did get some money I had to spend it fast before someone else took it. Today I'm understanding that I have spend it one important things, bills, rent, groceries, FIRST, before anything else.Spiritual abuse, forcing one's own beliefs on another, is intergenerational. Starting with rez schools. It was hard to overcome those issues but just immersing myself in Aboriginal culture worked those issues out easily. Singing Haida songs and dancing Haida dances with my uncle solidified my beliefs and gave me direction.
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